He’s Got the Whole World In His Hand…or at least a Pineapple

As a follow-up story to our recent blog about the crazies on the 176, we wanted to make sure that the crazies on the tube rceived their fair share of press as well.  Not to be outdone by the bus travellers, our friends on the London Underground continue to do their best to amuse.  They also make the common person question his/her own grasp on reality.

Upon boarding the Northern Line tube one early evening, a group of six 20-something men jumped on just before the doors closed.  They were singing the familiar tune “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands”, but with crazy written all over it.  What they were actually singing was “He’s Got a Pineapple On His Head.”  Hearing this lilt, I was compelled to look up and see who these songbirds were.  It appears this was the tail end of a Stag Party and the groom-to-be was assigned the job of babysitting a pineapple for the whole evening.

As is true with most Stag Parties, the 6 men were “pissed” (British for “plowed”, “drunk”, “wasted”, etc.).  The groom-to-be was dancing up and down the Tube carriage with the Pineapple literally on his head.  Every time it fell off his head, they all stopped singing.  Every time he picked it up and placed it back atop his head, the chorus was repeated.  This went on for several stops and finally it was time for me to alight.  Grateful that the song would no longer be in my ears, I headed to the escalator to leave the station.  And guess who showed up just behind me on the escalator?  Yes, it was the Pineapple Tabernacle Choir.  They finally went the other direction at the top of the escalator, but I found myself humming that refrain for the next several hours.  Thank you so much, crazy people.

The Best Cheeseburger in England – Only Six Miles on Foot

On the heels of a great walk in Westerham the weekend before, we decided last weekend to venture a bit farther.  We opted for a walking tour of Sevenoaks, a beautiful hilly area about 14 miles outside of London.  Led by our tour guide Debbie (with the full tour instructions again downloaded from the internet), we headed off to London Bridge to catch the Southeastern train to Sevenoaks.  Working under the false assumption that our Oyster Cards (the card you use everywhere in London for Public Transport fees) would do the trick, we boldly hopped on the train.

Once on the train, we quickly realized that we were “doing it wrong.”  London is separated into 6 travel zones and the Oyster Card works in any of those six zones.  The area of Sevenoaks, much like the number in its name, is in the area that would be Zone 7, if such a zone existed.  We figured this out when the train conductor started down the aisle asking to see everyone’s tickets.  Having none, we had to hold our hats in our hands and play the “tourist card.”  The Conductor, Didier, from France, was quite helpful except that his debit card machine demagnetized our debit card (that’s another story altogether).  Fortunately, Didier was happy to take cash.  Whew, we were not going to end up at Scotland Yard.

At this point, you may be asking yourself “What does any of this have to do with Cheeseburgers?”  We will get to that in due time.  Arriving at Sevenoaks Train Station, we headed out for what would become a walk full of beautiful English countryside, livestock, amazing Dutch beer, flowers, a lesson in speaking English, and yes, the Best Cheeseburger in England.

This first part of the walk took us through the residential area of Sevenoaks, down a walled street

and to a small wooden gate that looked like a gate through which one should not pass.  But, it was on the map and our tour guide made the executive decision that we should go through the gate.  Here’s the gate with a “trespasser” peering out:

What we saw on the other side of the gate can only be explained as breath-taking.  The gate opened to Knole Park, where many of the locals go for walks.  It was huge, full of Fallow Deer that roamed wild, and led to Knole Estate, where a bunch of royals lived at one point and which was and is used for many films that are set in castles.

The first view of Knole Park that we saw after walking through the gate:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xbTNl001Dg

The deer and a close up on one (we were only about 8 feet away from him!):

Walking further through the park, and up some hilly terrain, we came across more deer that looked like they needed a cheering section.  They were trying to cross the road/path.  Our tour guide cheered them on (and videotaped the crossing, as well as some itching and scratching):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOOVcKbnJp0

After a royal pee break at the castle (Knole Estate),

we headed onward toward Godden Green.  It was another mile or so before we got out of Knole Park (it is quite large); the park is connected to a golf course and we were able to grab a shot of wild deer and golfers sharing the same hillside (you may have to zoom on this photo to see them all – four golfers and a gaggle of deer):

Some more shots of the landscape (wow, this was a beautiful place):

In Godden Green, we stopped at Buck’s Head

a recommended pub/food stop, according to our tour guide. Heads up! The Cheeseburger is almost here!  Buck’s Head is a great restaurant and pub situated kind of in the middle of nowhere – it stands alone like a beacon in the countryside, welcoming local visitors and touring walkers whose feet need a rest:

The three best things about Buck’s Head: (1) Toby, the cutest puppy in Kent:

(2) A new and very delicious beer, Oranjeboom (pronounced o-ron-ja-boom), from our tour guide’s motherland, The Netherlands, and (3) wait for it…The Best Cheeseburger in England!!!!!  We apologize that there is no picture of the cheeseburgers – we were too busy enjoying them to snap a photo.  Technically, we only had to walk 3 miles to get the cheeseburgers, but our entire journey was 6 miles long.  We would gladly walk those same three miles again for that burger – wow, really amazing.

Tummies full and opting to swap tour guides to Jon, we started out for what was listed as the second leg of the walk (it was a nine mile walk on the map) – it turned out to be our last leg on the walk. More on that later.  Leaving Godden Green, we made our way through several bridleways and walked through farms, apple orchards, and open fields.  The sheep farm was set on a rolling hillside and it looked like we were only a few weeks past birthing season (any fans of Gypsy can now start singing Little Lamb):

Side note – as we were traversing several bridleways, we pondered “What’s a bridleway?”  We knew the answer right away: “It depends on how heavy her dress is.” <we can hear you groaning> Here is an actual Bridleway:

Side note 2 – we also stopped in to visit Barrack and Michelle:

We ended up at Ightham Mote – an amazing looking house that is surrounded by a moat (but they spell it “mote”), and has a massive garden that looks like the perfect spot for a wedding (assuming the bridle doesn’t way too much).

At this point, our original tour guide, who we will now call Blistery McGee, and our new tour guide, who we will call Mr. Achy Foot, needed a rest.  We were 6 miles into our nine mile walk.  Stopping for a quick refreshment, we made the official decision that this walk was over.  We could go no further.  Only God and the British know what there is to see on those last three miles. 

This presented us with our final problem of the day – how the hell do we get back to Sevenoaks Train Station to get home?  We had no car, there are no trains or buses in the middle of the English Countryside, and (as they like to say in England) “we had lost the will to live.”  Thinking smartly, we decided to go to the gift shop at Ightham Mote and inquire about our dilemma.  We had seen on a map that there was a bus once an hour at Ightham Common, but we knew not where the Common was.

Big as life, Jon asks “Where is Ightham Common” (pronounced Ig-thumb-common).  Stifling a scoff, the clerk said that Ightham (pronounced “item”) Common was about 1.2 miles away and reachable only on foot.  No! Not on foot! We only had bloody stumps left below the ankles…Taxi Please!

A Walk in Westerham, Kent

Last Sunday, we headed to Kent to enjoy the beautiful weather and countryside.  After several buses and some cancelled trains, we made it to Westerham, our chosen destination.  This blog entry will be more of a “photo essay” but we will do our best to sprinkle it with some witty narrative!

We started our guided tour (tour guide Jon with downloaded copy of a walk from the city’s web site) at the town square.  There were two statues there:

(1)    General Wolfe

General Wolfe lived in Westerham in what is now called Quebec House.  The statue is to commemorate his most famous victory – the capturing of Quebec from the French which then made Canada a part of the British Empire.

(2)    Winston Churchill

Winston lived in the nearby city, Chartwell, and is thus commemorated here in the square.  Note in the background of the following video, a child crying because he didn’t want to stop climbing on Winston.  His parents had other ideas…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8p1snsRgOI

We then walked to the 12^th Century parish of St. Mary’s to see its beautiful daffodils and impressive headstones in the cemetery.  Side note: daffodils grow like weeds here; the prettiest weeds ever.

Continuing on down a steep path, we crossed the River Darent and watched the ducks for a bit.

Then there was this:

Anybody?

Next, our tour guide Jon, following every detail, brought us back toward the center of town where we located the beautiful Domesday Mosaic.  It illustrates the entry for Oisterham (Westerham) in the Domesday Book, published in 1086.

The Domesday book is the assessment of who owned land in England and how much land they owned to determine how much tax William the Conqueror could levy.  This was indisputable.  We also snapped a picture of our tour guide posing as an Evil Tax Collector:

Meandering down pre-determined paths, we saw quaint cottages with, yes, more flowers and ivy-covered walls.

One such “cottage” was called Redwoods, with a large garden and pond

This next photo is specifically for Joey (a Three Amigos reference):

Lastly, at the end of our walk, outside the pub St. George and the Dragon, we stopped for a quick timer shot before enjoying a post-walk pint:

Oh, and in case you are interested, we have located our new summer home.  Here is a photo of the side entrance:

And here is the actual Robinson Summer Home:

Now if we only had William the Conqueror’s tax money to buy it!

Cheers!